Self-censorship?

This is a question that I have always wanted to ask. How do you live your lives? How open are you with yourself? How open are you with your friends? How open are you with strangers? How much does your friends know about you? Damn, how much does your family EVEN know about you? Do you know yourself? Do I know myself? And finally the most crucial unanswered question is, how important is it to be transparent?

I have always kept my life to myself. I do not parade the course of my daily life to people around me. People normally see the “finished” me. No one has seen me pluck my brows. They just look like they have been naturally well shaped all the time. No one have to know if I do shave my legs once in a while. And no, I do not underarm hair. Ever. Or so I project to the people around me…I can’t stand anybody enter my room without any permission at all. People who finally enter were not supposed to roam around my stuff. Even if they did, I would be in a state of agitation, ready to strike if it turns out that the person has the guts to misuse my “forced hospitality”. No one touches my drawers and desk. No, I will make sure that they don’t. I can’t bear to let good-willed friends or family members help lug my stuff when shifting homes. Even my boyfriend is not allowed to go through my stuff, even when equipped with good intentions. Just being over-protective? If yes, what of?

Serious case of censorship, I must say!

Am I claustrophobic or is it a form of fear towards the vast wilderness that is the real world? Am I eternally stuck in the insides of my imagined 2 mile radius personal territory marked by an unseen barrier that divides me with the people outside of my again imagined territory? Is this a form of alienation? Am I paranoid?

This is definitely the idea of the Feminine Mystique working too well. Our feminist sisters are probably turning in their graves by now hearing this. God, they have fought so hard…

I do not think this is a great way to live. By 35, I might have to start myself on Valium… and Prozac. Frequent internal outbursts are definitely a no. Might cause the increase of blood pressure and a premature development of heart seizure or stroke. It is not worth it. Definitely.

And then this question struck me, “I do not skeletons to hide, who and what am I hiding from?”.

What next? A crossover? To be as I am or let it all hang out? How is the journey going to be?

Will it be easy to attempt to let my guard down? Will this cost me a trip to the nudist camp?! God! That would be too much for me to take!

Hope that these questions of mine will be answered soon. It all depends on me now!